New Habits

How do you change 30+ years of habits (or lack thereof)? How do you deal when one day everything changes and you have to say to yourself “Ok, this is me now. This is my new reality.”?

I know I say this a lot, but I’m going to say it again. I’m really lucky with my CF. I know that I am and I can’t even express how deeply thankful I am for it. Most people with CF don’t get to live the essentially normal life that I’ve been able to lead up to this point. But right now I’m feeling like it is coming with it’s own set of drawbacks.

The Vest & nebulizer corner where I
spend time every morning & night.

If I had had to do chest therapy for my whole life I’d be used to it. It would be part of my daily routine that I wouldn’t think twice about. But now instead of coming home from a long day of work and crashing on the couch, I have to go put on my Vest and have my body pounded on for 30-45 minutes while I nebulize saline. Instead of hitting the snooze button a few times, I have to roll out of bed at the sound of an early alarm to do my nebulizer(s) and sinus rinse. Instead of doing whatever I want when I want, I have to make sure to plan around my treatments so I don’t miss any. Instead of taking days off when people come to town, I have to use half of my vacation days for doctor appointments.

Could things be worse? Yes, 100% they could. Do I feel grateful for the fact that I’m still relatively healthy? Yes, completely. But does that mean that I can’t grieve for the way of life that I’ve lost? I’m at the point where a lot of the novelty has worn off and I’m having to come to terms that this is how it will be forever. That more will be added down the road. I’m trying really hard to make all these new things a habit, but it’s hard. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have the greatest of will power. I have to lecture myself everyday about why I need to use the Vest. I’ve had my setbacks, missing a week or two by taking a day off and then repeatedly telling myself that I’ll start it back up again tomorrow. I’m having to learn that a life with CF means no days off from treatments and it’s a bit overwhelming.

I’ll make it through this period of change, I know I will, there just might be a little kicking and screaming along the way.

*My parents did have do chest percussion on me when I was a kid, but at one point the doctors said that we didn’t need to and even later in my life when I got the Vest it was a “do it when you feel like you need it” kind of thing, not a strict regimen.